YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
You Might Also Like
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Duck typos.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Webb. James Webb.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
superman landing like a plane on his belly
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*