YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
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Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
A classic…
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.