friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
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“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET