@spitfirehussy

You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.

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@CoolFreak_Amy

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

@OutOfLeftField_

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

@murrman5

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”

@GrantTanaka

cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@Shade510

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.