she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
You Might Also Like
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!