Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Ovenable?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔