You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
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Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.