Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
You Might Also Like
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!