Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
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Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Oops
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.