“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
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Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
❤️🦆
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.