You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.