“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.