I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
True
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.