@GrowlyGrego

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

@funflaps

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@jwoodham

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

@Tups13

Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@Skoogeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes

@MissNaughty1801

7y:why are you putting make up on?
Me:to look nicer
7y:when does it start working?

@BitchyJasmine

‘If u insinuate that I’m fat again, I’m leaving you!’ ‘Don’t be selfish, think about the baby.’ ‘What baby?’ ‘Oh, so you’re not pregnant?’

@1evilidiot

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.