YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
car not found
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.