You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
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The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.