YALL FEMALES ARE THE DEVIL
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Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.
You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.