[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
dutch is not a serious language
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.