@Home_Halfway

You’ve heard of elf on a shelf; now get ready for…

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@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@myonlymizztake

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because they’ll never find the body.

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@slimerobots

woke up midflight, made this note, immediately went back to sleep

@Deirdreocx

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

@mom_ontherocks

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

@mikeleffingwell

STOP TELLING ME YOUR NEWBORN’S WEIGHT AND LENGTH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT INFORMATION.

@chrisviccaro

You’d think old people would drive faster with the whole death thing creeping up on them and all.