@LlamaInaTux

you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

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@BoogTweets

Me: Thank you for shopping at Walmart

Her: *rolling over in bed* next time I pick what we role play

@gemmacorrell

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

@robfromonline

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

@FrazzleMyGimp

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?

ME: Shaun.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?

ME: Sure.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?

ME: Jure.

@abbycohenwl

Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@pittdave13

Boss: can I get an update

Me: glitches out and fails to install

@TheAlexNevil

“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”

Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.