After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
No quarantine has all five:
– ur partner
– balcony / garden
– quiet neighbours
– hi speed wifi
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.