you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
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LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
u spoke cat all this time??????
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me