You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back