@flashember

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

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@ThaJawn

*wakes up from surgery

How did it go?

Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

@_Ellsie_

Yeah I can take a hint. I’m not going to though.

@Matt_The_1st

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

@kateashlynryan

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

@caliluvgirl77

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@Mom_Overboard

[watching the news]

God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this

angel: you did sir