“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: get out
Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world