You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
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I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Just parrot things
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.