@ThePocketJustin

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

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@behindyourback

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”

@Love_bug1016

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

@hashtag_stacks

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

@behindyourback

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

@OW_Divine

The average American eats 46 slices of Pizza per year
So I guess you could say that I’m above average.

@SladeWentworth

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@orange_rhymer

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

@Sassafrantz

Barista: Can I get your name?
Me: Lisa
Barista: Pizza?
Me: Yeah, that’s fine.

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world