@HomeProbably

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

- @HomeProbably

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@trevso_electric

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.

@GrowlyGrego

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.

@MrPhetz

Why did my ex gf Fav my tweet where I announced that I got laid off. Why did you do that sharon

@hayes_t_r

*puts on layers of running gear*

*makes a ponytail*

*laces up sneakers*

*drives to McDonalds*

@rachj0919

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

@Brampersandon_

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

@Mikecanrant

I just farted real loud and my car alarm went off.

Some guy is stealing it but I wanted you guys to know about my fart. Be right back.

@KalvinMacleod

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

@amishschool

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.