You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars