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if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot


Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime


Why is it that when your dog brings you things he’s killed it’s cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?


Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]


Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.


Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.


Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.


Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You