@chrissyteigen

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

@blade_funner

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

@theshamingofjay

A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment

@AimeeHelene1

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

@ArfMeasures

DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine

ME: DAMN IT

@kelkulus

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

@BallsMcBallski

It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.

@Social_Mime

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

@robknepper

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area