YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.