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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.


Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.


A group of lions is called a pride. A group of my family members is called an embarrassment


Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.


DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?

ME: Haha of course that’s

BARISTA: Latte for Rachel

ME: not true, Rachel

DATE: That’s not mine



I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.


It’s been five minutes since Adobe asked me to install an update. I hope they didn’t go out of business or something.


We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.


and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area