@chrissyteigen

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

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@dubiousrhetoric

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

@prufrockluvsong

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

@foxnerdrn

Why is it that when your dog brings you things he’s killed it’s cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?

@cbdoubleu

Her: I like risk takers

Me:[goes to the McDonalds Drive Thru and places a complicated order. Grabs the bag and drives off w/o checking it]

@ShootyDoody

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

@TheAlexNevil

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

@lovemyboots111

Apparently asking the boss ” who ignited the fuse on your tampon?” will get you sent to HR.

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You