*aggressively skips to my Lou*
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Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots