Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
This kid is going places
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh