@CrockettForReal

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

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@TheTweetOfGod

Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.

@HomeWithPeanut

*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.

@stevevsninjas

Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.

@livlivme_do

If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids

ME: I don’t have any cats

@thetigersez

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

@Kids_kubed

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?