Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

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Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.


*65 million years ago*

T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!

T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!

Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-

*Asteroid streaks across the sky*

Both: Shit.


Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.


If Rod Stewart ever cleared his throat, his career would be over.


Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.


ME: Are these your kids in this photo on your desk?

BOSS: Yep, Shaun and Kendra

ME: *taking out phone* I’ll show you my kids, Whiskers and Meowly Cyrus

BOSS: Uh, cats aren’t kids

ME: I don’t have any cats


Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder


(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?