Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
found this cool rock hiking today
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
cry laughing at this shit
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?