Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
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Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”