@DontFollowDave

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

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@dave_cactus

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@briangaar

In my opinion Scotland should be independent, otherwise Mel Gibson died for nothing

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@mdob11

Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?

@kylamb16

Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

@tesselatrix

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

@jenstatsky

The best answer to an American Apparel salesperson asking you if you’re looking for anything specific is, “the bottom half of a shirt.”

@Kyle_Lippert

If you love something, let it go. Let it run until it reaches the invisible wall & the shock collar you attached to it’s ankle cripples them

@robfee

Dads in horror movies always have the most chill explanations.
“Our son is covered in pentagrams!”
Well maybe he’s just allergic to dairy.