Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
You Might Also Like
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
technically true but not a great slogan
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away