Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

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guy joined zoom class shirtless and the tutor told him to turn his video off and so he did and it just displayed his profile pic of him shirtless at the beach


You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.


Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*


I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.


Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?


{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.


*a tree branch bursts into a bank with a gun*
*everyone laughs*
*more laughter*


[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-


Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.