Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
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Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.