Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
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*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
My spirit animal is fried chicken
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Here’s your final:
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
“Because he doesn’t floss”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth