@doktorj

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

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@MartaEffing

[first date]
Me:
*sees he owns a cat*
Him: Are you a cat or a dog person?
Me:
*maintains eye contact*
*pushes cat off the table*
*leaves*

@withanewname

Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.

Neighbor: This is my nephew.

@zacharyflynn

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

@Holy_Mowgli

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

@SatansTongue

*Dentistry school*
Here’s your final:
*stabs student*
Why is he bleeding
“Because you stabbed him?”
FAIL
“Because he doesn’t floss”
CORRECT!

@daemonic3

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

@ArfMeasures

Date: I like guys who are sensitive

Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth