Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.