Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
birds and squirrels envy us
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box