Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Velcrow
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race