@TheNYAMProject
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
@FrazzleMyGimp
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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@TheNYAMProject
@dafloydsta
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
@3sunzzz
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
@ArfMeasures
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
@WhaJoTalkinBout
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
@omgthatspunny
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
@StayNobody
[Drug Deal]
How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is
@abbycohenwl
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
@PastorBate
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
@ImLeslieChow
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.