@FrazzleMyGimp

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

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@TheNYAMProject

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

@3sunzzz

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

@ArfMeasures

[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die

*I walk in*

ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone

@omgthatspunny

What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?

@StayNobody

[Drug Deal]
How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is

@abbycohenwl

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

@PastorBate

Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@ImLeslieChow

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.