My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
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How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die
*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
What did Dr. Dre say when 50 Cent gave him a sweater? Gee, you knit?
How do I know ur not a cop?
“If I was a cop would I do this?”
*Starts break dancing*
That’s not as much proof as you think it is
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.