[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
You Might Also Like
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
When I laugh on my period
How do you like your Corgi?
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?