[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
sliding into dms like
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
become ungovernable
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.