@jctwritesstuff

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*

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If you break a mirror is it 7 years bad luck for you or the person whose head you just smashed it over?

@P1ssed_K1d

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

@just1fool

5: “Why is the moon so bright?”

Me: “It’s not, it’s pretty dim actually.”

Moon: “I heard that.”

@heapsOhate

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@LoveNLunchmeat

The beginning is all romance & flowers, but after about 10 yrs it’s mostly just checking each other’s backs for suspicious moles.

@truegritrumble

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

@TedOfficialPage

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

@megchambe

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people