As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
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Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.
God: [pocketing money] why?
Horse: because he deserves it.
[later at dinner]
Unicorn: well this is nice.
God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
stewardess: “sir you aren’t allowed to smoke that during the flight”
me: [putting a salmon back in my hand luggage] “this is such bullshit”
me hitting on a model