[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
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Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.