@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

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@AwkwardAndOdd

I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.

@XoMiSsYoX

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁

@_elvishpresley_

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

@chagger73

It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”

@BoogTweets

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

@ndiquote

Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.

@Sakshi9998

game of thrones bt it’s my family fighting over who will sit in grandma’s chair while watching t.v. After she dies.