[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
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U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*