@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

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@FunnyBison

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

@merestromb

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

@mattZillaaaa

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

@Jake_Vig

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

@librarianfonz

Google won’t replace librarians. The internet is like giving someone a fire hose when all they asked for was a glass of water.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Managing your weight around the holidays just requires a little planning..

For example, I took the batteries out of my scale on Wednesday.

@theNuzzy

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!
When do we want them?
WHAT?!

@SouthernStylin1

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

@SoldHerSoul

Are your clothes meant to scream out “help” when you squeeze yourself into them?