Zombie movies are fun because you get to see dead bodies find joggers for once.

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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs


Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.


FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.


‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.


[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these


imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever


Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.


Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.