@ozzyunc

Zombie movies are fun because you get to see dead bodies find joggers for once.

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@Jamberee13

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

@JohnHilsen

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

@TheAndrewNadeau

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

@CulturedRuffian

‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.

@stevevsninjas

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

@markydoodoo

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

@wickedsuga

Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.

@RodLacroix

Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.