Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Zombie movies are fun because you get to see dead bodies find joggers for once.
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Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Ugh, I hate wearing this towel while my wife washes my cape.
Just found a pill in the bottom of my purse. Have no clue what it is, but I’m real excited to take it and see what happens.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.