Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶