“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.