@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

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@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*

@mattgallo123

“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”

-Marilyn Monroe

@realHamOnWry

I think if we leave a bunch of cell phones in the forest, eventually Big Foot will be tempted to take a selfie.

@ChicksRule

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s in the Amazon package?

Me: It’s a surprise.

H:

Me:

H: You forgot what you ordered?

Me: I forgot what I ordered.

@novicefather

Pro tip: If a woman asks you how she looks, the correct answer is not “like Dan Aykroyd.”

@squirrel74wkgn

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

@michimama75

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.