[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you


Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.


Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination


Whoever is training cashiers to hand change back with the coins on top of paper currency, stop.


Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn’t I?


[god creating raccoons]

God: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

Angel: But…

God: Just do it.


Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.


Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath


If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.


I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.