@BraandoCommando

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

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@graceful_asfuck

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

@markhoppus

I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@notmythirdrodeo

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

@MatCro

GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.

@ellewasamistake

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

@GingerHotDish

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@ThisOneSayz

He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!

@nowme_datta

How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.