[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

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You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.


Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam


Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what


[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*


AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out


All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.