[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

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Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here


I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast


My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.


GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up

ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.


king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what


Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.


[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]


Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.


He: did you burn dinner again?

Me: it’s a Flambé.

He: it’s mac and cheese

Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!


How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.