@BraandoCommando

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

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@HatfieldAnne

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

@Shenaniglenns

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

@KalvinMacleod

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

@humanaaron

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

@DothTheDoth

All I want, every day, is to find a derelict spaceship, develop abnormal symptoms & then tell no one.

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.