Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean