Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
You Might Also Like
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”