[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
You Might Also Like
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
law suits: quality garments for lawyers