Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
You Might Also Like
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
🍛