Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh