[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.