@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

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@TheDairylandDon

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@andylassner

So Amish people just yell their tweets from the top of their barns?

@DaddyJew

*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

@dimplesticks

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

@XtinaNovakovic

SCREAMING, just hugged my dentist thinking he was going in for one but really he was just taking off my dental bib. Don’t think I can ever recover from this

@markhoppus

Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.

@jergarl

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

@thenatewolf

My Grandpa used to gather us around to tell us stories about surviving World War Two.

My dad just gathered us around to watch a YouTube clip of an Asian child playing “Africa” by Toto on a rubber chicken.