zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys