°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
*realises why I stay in.*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*