@KeetPotato

zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf

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@CornOnTheGoblin

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

@TheAlexNevil

*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room

@EndhooS

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

@Playing_Dad

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

@ibid78

“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on

@MooseAllain

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

@ImSoFrancis

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*