zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!