Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
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For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends